Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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