Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
