my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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