@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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