we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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