I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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