Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
