sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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