Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
