Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
