My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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