i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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