I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
