She is in my trunk
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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