Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
