Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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