did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
