He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
