I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
