Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
