I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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