Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
a search helicopter?!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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