My underwear smells like fireworks.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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