When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
