I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
