tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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