I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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