hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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