I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
