I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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