Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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