Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
