Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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