he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
