We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
