mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You ruined the universe
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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