I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
