Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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