Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
