I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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