Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize