Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
