I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
