I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
