I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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