2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
