someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
