i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
