then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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