He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
