Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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