If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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