I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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