She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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