i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
