Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
