So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize