I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize