make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
