This is not my ceiling
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
