I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
