Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize