I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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