im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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