She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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