my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
