Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
