You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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