im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
