I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
